Hi,
as you may know by now, I’m a self healer. The art journey I’m currently on is not only the continuation of my healing journey but also the beginning of living my true purpose here on Earth. If you’ve been unaware of that but want to know more, please read my blog entry "My Story". Thank you 🙏🏻
When I rediscovered my love for painting/drawing back in January 2022 I realised pretty quickly that I felt good when I created little pictures first in Procreate and a few months later on real paper with real colours.
When, in October 2022, I felt the need to paint traditionally like I was doing meditative dance – meaning to let my intuition choose the tool, the colours, the strokes and their placement on the paper – and thus liberating and healing my inner little girl a bit more, I would have never expected how powerful a healing tool painting would become for me. I mean, yes, I know about art therapy, even participated in some sessions when I was at a clinic back in 2018, but these sessions never got anywhere. They didn’t even make me feel better back then.
And yet, here I am some intense healing-through-painting-sessions later to show you from my own experience just how therapeutic painting can be when you're ready for it. It’s that now the more I paint the more I’m becoming me and I'm going to show you, in chronological order, the pictures I painted to let go of, accept and/or heal something, and tell you as much about them as I’m comfortable with. Hopefully this will inspire you to try something similar.
Krickelakrack
October 14th 2022
I did a session of what I call meditative dance. In other words: I let my intuition tell me when I need such a session, let her pick the music and let my body move on her own accord until she doesn't want to move anymore. In case you just wondered about me using the female pronoun for “intuition” and “body”: I am a woman. So, my intuition and my body are both female and ...sorry... but I don't care about proper grammar in this case.
During this session the need to paint like I was doing this meditative dance came up; that is to let my intuition choose the tool, the colours, the strokes and their placement on the paper. This is something I haven’t done since I was a kid, but back then pictures with no discernible motif of any kind like a house, a plant etc. were called “Krickelakrack” in my German mother tongue and they weren’t really appreciated, because they wasted paper and colours and eventually, I stopped doing this. Naturally, I don’t like the question “What’s this supposed to be?” at all.
So that day I let my intuition paint with opaque watercolours (her choice) whatever she wanted and wow it felt so good and liberated and heal my inner little girl a bit more.
I call this picture “Krickelakrack!!!” just because.
Rainbow with Birds
10th January 2023
It had been a while since I had last sat down to paint traditionally but that day I felt like taking a break from a big project I was working on, namely building my own website.
So, I picked up my real brushes and real gouache/opaque watercolour paints and real paper to paint this picture.
While painting, I became more aware than ever of the differences between painting digitally and traditionally.
‘Cause when you paint traditionally there is no undo button, there’re no effects to help you, no duplicate function, no move tool, no colour wheel to pick your colours from.
When you paint traditionally the colours turn out the way they want to. Painting in layers has to be done with extreme caution and only after some serious thinking and drying of the paint. And when you accidentally let go of the brush you hold in your hand – as it happened to me that day – and it lands on the paper smearing the wrong colour in the wrong places, you have to “repair” the damage as best as possible.
Which made me consider once again if painting digitally was a lesser way of painting? I mean, let’s face it: The things I can create with all those tools in Procreate I could never paint traditionally. So, what’s worth more? Painting traditionally or digitally? This was the debate that was going on inside of me while painting, fighting and repairing.
For a while I thought painting traditionally is definitely worth more than creating in Procreate, but It began to dawn on me that “yes” I have a lot more possibilities in Procreate, but that no matter how I paint, it’s all about creating art and not judging its worth by its means of creation. It’s all art!!!
And with that I took another step forward on my art journey, meaning: Accepting both ways of painting as equal and no longer considering me using Procreate as an “easy way out” or a lesser way of painting.
My Obsession
22nd March 2023
This picture was inspired by an episode of a tutorial series on Instagram called “Libère ta créativité” by Floria Akhoun (@planetefloria).
While giving it the finishing touches, I realised that I am obsessed with having to paint a background or more precisely phrased: I am obsessed with not leaving any part of the paper unpainted except for that frame like edges the masking tape leaves behind.
The reason for it is something I was usually told when I showed a picture I had drawn and needed some more paper: “But the picture isn’t finished. The paper is not completely covered with colour yet…”
Little girl I was back then I had no choice but to comply and I obviously still do even though I don’t have to anymore. So, this is some more old conditioning that I needed to let go of. If you'd like to read a more detailed version of what happended, please read my blog entry "My Obsession". Thank you 🙏🏻
Letting Go with Neurographic Art
13th April 2023
I felt somehow stuck that morning. So, I followed my intuition and tried out neurographics for the first time. I had seen it in one of the tutorials by Floria Akhoun (@planetefloria on Instagram) and read about it a bit a few days before .
I was able to let go of a lot of pain while rounding all the intersections. After I had finished, I felt a lot lighter.
Btw: Over time painting like this has become my go-to for when I need to relax or my mind is racing or I feel stuck with my painting or, or, or...
Butterfly Me
15th April 2023
I painted this butterfly to honour myself and the healing work I’ve done. During the preceding days I had made another quantum leap in my healing after what had been a pretty rough time and it occurred to me that the right moment had come to honor all the hard work I’ve been doing for years and to celebrate in my own special way the beautiful butterfly I’ve become.
But I didn’t just sit down thinking “I want to paint a butterfly”. No. The butterfly was the intended result of a ritual I had come up with to celebrate what I’ve accomplished. Since you can’t know this: Rituals I invent on my own have always been a very important and healing part of my healing journey.
So, if you feel like it and want to know more about my ritual, please read my blog entry "Time to Celebrate". Thank you 🙏🏻
What Was Will No Longer Be
19th April 2023
This picture which I painted with my fingers and a set of six colours of fingerpainting paint is the result of letting go of some old trauma.
I taped two A3 size sheets of paper together and started with the black paint using both hands. This helped to feel the pain, to feel my anger and to literally shout it out until I was all cried out. After having washed my hands, I used white to cover the black with both hands. Again, I washed my hands and started using the other colours: blue, red, yellow and green in that order. When I had almost finished, the words “what was will no longer be” popped into my head. I repeated them like a mantra and wrote them with my finger into the still wet paint.
Self-comfort
24th April 2023
A passage in a book triggered some painful old memories and the idea came up to paint a picture – this picture – to do what I’ve learned to do very early in my life: to self-soothe, to self-comfort.
Breaking Free...
26th April 2023
That day some very intense healing took place.
First, I had to break free from some shadow – depicted by the dark square – with the help of my own light dispersing it.
And then I had to do another neurographic session during which I realised that “the more I paint the more I’m becoming ME”.
Back Pain
28th April 2023
My back had been hurting for weeks and sometimes it had been difficult to move. That day I really had enough even though I knew perfectly well that this pain was a sign of healing and it would go away eventually if I were only patient enough… Frankly, I couldn’t just take it anymore. So, I sat down to meditate and ask for a way out of this back pain. The answer was “accept the pain” and I got the impulse to do so by painting.
I painted this picture with the grey sharp-edged things representing the pain being “softened” by the round layers of colour and the spirals and it helped. Immediately after that the pain wasn’t gone but bearable. My back got better over the next few days until I felt no more pain. What a relief!
Self Love
2nd May 2023
A meditation on compassion and self love made me realize I’ve never really loved myself the way I should have. So, I apologized to myself and forgave myself. Then I painted this picture…
Old Pain
3rd May 2023
Some old pain wanted to be let go of. The idea was to paint the pain in order to feel it, because before you can let go of something – whatever it is – you have to fully feel it. There’s no way around it. So, my representation of my pain are these black sharp-edged things. When I was ready, I put them into balloons one by one and let them fly away. I also added the spilled thought that had come up. It was a pretty intense experience, but I felt a lot lighter afterwards.
Btw: I just detected a typo. I wrote “ballon” instead of “balloon”. Well, there’re worse things…
More Old Pain
5th May 2023
When I woke up that day, I knew some more healing would happen and so it was. I had to let go of old pain. This time I put it in boats to let it sail into the light. This experience was even more intense than two days before.
Energy Blockages
15th May 2023
With the help of this picture, I removed three energy blockages I had discovered in my neck that morning.
Ode to my Body
19th May 2023
I painted this picture with my fingers and gouache paint to say once again thank you to my body who after years of healing mentally is still strong despite the fact I haven’t really taken good care of her. I know that one day I will be able to work out again and eat healthier food, but that time has not yet come.
The first time I thanked my body was when I wrote down this spilled thought about a year ago...
“My dear wonderful body,
for years on end
I've completely lived inside my head to heal myself
and to be honest I still do.
It’s only because you are so strong
that you’ve been able to support me the whole time
even though I’ve been neglecting you.
Thank you my dear wonderful body
for everything you are doing for me each single day.
I am so grateful to have you.
I bow to you.”
Zigzagging Mind
24th May 2023
That day my mind was jumping from one thing to another. I wasn't able to focus on anything. It really felt as if it was zigzagging. In order to calm it I painted this neurographic picture and it helped indeed.
Later that day I felt compelled to try out some wallpaper paste art, which is something I liked doing back in kindergarten and elementary school.
It was while painting the last picture of that kind my inner little girl said how beautiful this picture was and that she was sorry she had prevented me from doing this my whole life.
It was my 8-year-old self talking to me for it was her who had decided to stop painting. She felt so bad for not having resisted the grown-ups, for not having carried on, but I didn't blame her. I forgave her and encouraged her to help me paint from now on.
Letting Go of Rage
25th May 2023
My 8-year-old self was full of rage that needed to be vented. For that I took a black coloured pencil and moved it across the sheet of paper.
It took only a few seconds, and I was moving the pencil in a total frenzy. Actually, I would’ve never thought I could move my arm that fast. I also cried and shouted out my rage.
What a relief when all the rage had left my body. After that I let my 8-year-old self paint over the black strokes what what she wanted and how she wanted it. It turned out to be this beautiful painting.
Even More Old Pain
15th June 2023
Despite of all the letting go there’s still a lot of old pain inside of me. This time I did another neurographic picture to let go of some more of it.
Ella
4th July 2023
Only a few days before our vacation in Switzerland, I became aware during my daily mediation that despite all the healing I’ve accomplished there was still a part of me hidden deep down inside of me; safely stowed away so that nobody could get to her and harm her: the wild one. And that now it would be safe for her to be set free.
Of course, this meant more healing; in other words: more letting go and shadow work. And of course, this would take some time…
That day in Switzerland, however, I had a remarkable experience near a small river. There’s a place there where it’s okay to stack stones. It’s something I like doing. So, I started to gather some stones and found a nice large stone to place them upon.
While I was stacking, I realised I could do a person with the stones I had gathered. When I had finished it hit me: that’s “the wild one”, the part of me that had been buried deep down inside of me to keep her safe! I was a bit confused, but I had actually created a portrait of this part of me. Quite a revelation!
A name came to my mind – Ella – and I promised her I wouldn’t stop until I had set her free.
A spilled thought came up as well:
„Ella…
the wild one
buried deep down inside of me
the time has come to set her free… “
I took as many pictures of my little statue of Ella as I could, because I couldn’t take it with me. Leaving this piece of art behind was quite difficult, but letting go is never easy and yet so healing. Besides, she's inside of me...
The Sun Inside
12th July 2023
Letting go of some old conditioning and thus seeing “the sun inside” led to this picture.
Setting Ella Free
18th July 2023
Healing continued at a very quick pace after we had returned home from Switzerland, but I would have never expected this:
That day I set Ella free while painting this neurographic art picture.
What does this mean for the future? I don’t know yet...
Unleashing the Painter
1st August 2023
With this acrylic painting I created using only a palette knife I unleashed the painter in me even more and the thought I’ve been mulling over for a few days and which I had to write down with my finger became my motto:
“ART… NO RULES! TOTAL FREEDOM!”
More Clarity
8th August 2023
Lion’s Gate Portal. Painting this spiral kind of nebula with my right index finger on a dark blue background brought more clarity and reassurance about the way I paint and draw; meaning that had I been meant to paint/draw reality as it is in a neat way, I would have had the ability and the wish to do so as a kid. But no, I never understood why this was so important to other people and never could nor wanted to paint/draw neat realistic pictures in the first place.
Building My Home inside My Heart
9th August 2023
This neurographic session helped to come closer to building my home inside my heart and to heal my inner little girl a bit more.
Because, despite the clarity and reassurance of the day before, I still was the little girl who longed for the appreciation for her pictures she would never get and who was still distraught because of the injustice of not being able to paint/draw the way her pictures would be liked. She had a hard time accepting what her much older self (now-me) had already embraced: Painting in a more abstract and not-realistic-at-all way and to not give a f*** about what other people think about her artwork.
Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for every like, follower or visitor on my website and every nice comment I get, but my worth as an artist doesn’t depend on it. I myself define my worth as an artist! And the only appreciation I really need is my own!
I Am Good Enough!
11th August 2023
Healing my inner little girl went on with me remembering the many things grown ups and kids said to me or did when I was a kid that made me feel I wasn’t good enough.
I wrote all of them down on this paper with a black pen then crossed them out with a red pen writing “I am good enough” on each of them. Then I started to paint a butterfly with a palette knife and acrylic paint. I wanted it to be the beautiful colourful butterfly I had turned into. Only it didn’t work at all, because the acrylic paint didn’t do what I wanted it to do. I tried and tried, added more paint, but that only made it worse. So, at one point I felt so much rage inside of me that I just smeared the picture with my hands until it was all dark and muddy. I then wrote “I am good enough” into the still wet paint and a spilled thought popped into my mind or rather a message…
“To all the people
who made me feel I’m not good enough since I was a kid:
F*** YOU!!!
I am good enough!!!
I’ve always been good enough!!!
I always will be good enough!!!”
Letting Go Some More...
13th, 14th and 15th August 2023
I’ve been mulling over the idea of making collages for a bit, specifically making collages of pictures that hadn’t turned out too well and to give them a second life this way. So, I thought why not create another picture of Ella using those pictures?
Going through my pile I chose these two. They were the first pictures I had painted with opaque watercolours when I had started painting with real colours about a year ago.
The first thing I did was draw some lines and loops in black, blue and green on the A2 paper I had chosen. Then I took the old pictures and tried to figure out which parts to use. While tearing them up a spilled popped into my mind:
"The paths I walked.
The mountains I had to climb.
The comfort I sought elsewhere.
The healing I found inside of me.
The many breakthroughs that...
…untethered the boat…
...helped the butterfly emerge…
…and freed Ella – the wild one…"
- sabinesl
This about sums up my healing journey so far and I knew that this artwork would be about letting go when I realized I just HAD to take “Krickelakrack” and take a part of it for the line “The many breakthroughs that...”.
It was really hard for me to tear up this picture for it had been my first breakthrough concerning my way of painting
and believe me I’m grieving this loss as I’m writing this down. But it had to be. I am no longer the person who had painted “Krickelakrack” back then. That person, I had to let go of and this picture was the first part of it:
The second part was this:
For this picture I painted an abstract background in acrylic to which I added flowers and a sun made of the rest of “Krickelakrack”. Posca pens helped me to draw the outlines of the sun and flowers.
So, with these two pictures that took me three days to create I leave behind a version of me I’ve outgrown. I deeply love her, I owe her a lot and I will forever be grateful to her.
Liberté
22nd August
The background of this painting is made of 55 brush strokes and 5 circles in 60 different colours from a set of acrylic paints I had received as a birthday gift the day before.
Since that looked rather boring, I added some marks with acrylic paint marker. I didn't like that result either, so I covered part of the page with white gesso and then felt like painting that flower that had popped into my mind some months ago and that has wanted to be painted and drawn over and over again ever since.
While I was painting, the French word "liberté" (freedom) popped into my head and I had to write it down five times around the flower in a very sloppy version of my own handwriting. Along with the word the wonderful poem “Liberté” by Paul Eduard came to my mind as well. I reread it and especially the last two verses hit me like never before. It was then that I knew I had to liberate the painter in me even more; in other words, to finally leave behind my old conditioning for good…
28th - 30th August
One part of achieving this was to write down the complete poem into a sketchbook with ink and a dip pen and to start illustrating it. This will take some time to completely finish it, but what I had to get done I did get done.
The other part was a spilled thought that popped into my head – in French no less! – and an idea for a picture I would paint for it. This picture:
This is my spilled thought and its English translation:
Ma Liberté à Moi
peindre ce dont j’ai envie
poser des couleurs qui clashent l’une à côté l’autre
peindre le monde comme il n’est pas
peindre des cercles qui ne sont pas ronds
et des lignes qui ne sont pas droites
peindre sans contraintes, sans
« fais pas ci ! fais pas ça ! fais comme ça ! »
bref,
peindre comme je le veux, moi
c’est ma liberté à moi
My Freedom
to paint what I want
to put colours that clash next to each other
to paint the world not the way it is
to paint circles that are not round
and lines that aren't straight
to paint without constraints, without
"don't do this! don't do that! do it like that!
in short,
to paint the way I want
that's my freedom
And yes, the old conditioning is completely gone now! From now on I will really be able to paint the way I want to without that nagging voice inside my head telling me I’m doing something wrong, forbidden and not good enough.
So, now I can really live my motto: Art! No Rules! Total Freedom!
I know this because I’m writing this on 1st September 2023 and have painted a lot since then.
Oh, and that flower I have to paint over and over again has a name now: Fleur de Liberté.
Letting Go…
22nd September 2023
During the past three weeks the main theme was “letting go” and more shadow work. Especially the past week was difficult and exhausting in that respect.
It culminated today in having to let go of all the past versions of me by painting this picture and writing a part of a new spilled thought onto it, because…
“It’s time to let go of all the previous versions of me
who helped me heal and become who I am today.
With love and deep gratitude…
…with this…
…another door closes behind me…
…and a new one will show itself to me…
…a door to a new place…
for I’ve been in this place for as long as it had been necessary.
…with this…
…another chapter ends…
…and a new one will begin…
…a first chapter in a new book…
for I’ve finished the last chapter in this book.”
So, here’s to the future, whatever it will bring…
Putting the Past to Rest
30th September 2023
After some more shadow work during the past few days, I’ve healed all I could for now and it was finally time to put my past to rest for good and to boldly embrace the future.
I did this through painting this picture with ink and watercolours.
Bye, bye past. Future, here I come…
Comments