Recently, I’ve become more and more critical than usual especially about my non-digital pictures. It was very subtle at first but it got more pronounced during the past two or three days. One moment I was proud of a picture and the next I would find a flaw and wouldn't be so proud anymore, but angry at myself instead. Also, I’m really tensing up while painting when things don’t turn out the way I want them to be or it takes too damn long get it done.
For instance, it’s really tricky for me to paint with my new watercolours, because they behave so differently from what I’m used to with gouache paint and opaque watercolours. I’m actually getting frustrated about something that is totally normal, namely a different kind of paint behaving differently and a wonderful opportunity to learn and improve my skill. I didn’t understand this until this morning…
During breakfast – which has become THE time for healing or at least setting intentions for things to work on later – I remembered something from a wonderful watercolour tutorial by Emma Jane Lefebvre – a watercolour mental health exercise no less – that I watched on Monday. She said: “(…) release all pressure of creating something that resembles an object (…) just create marks and watch the paint move through the water on the paper (…) release all thoughts on having to create something or whether it will look good. Just put the paint on paper (…)
Which is actually the way I paint my non-digital pictures, even when I want to paint something specific. I put paint on the paper and let the picture develop itself bit by bit, until recently that is…
And it hit me: I feel pressured to have to deliver perfect pictures in fast succession or else…
This pressure is a survival mode reaction of my nervous system and the reason for it is an old conditioning… so old in fact that it is engraved into the deepest depth of my mind like the grooves on a vinyl record and as soon as a certain situation comes up the needle is put into the grooves and the same old song called “Do this...now...fast and perfectly” begins to play and I comply automatically. This is something I’m trying very hard to heal myself from. The tricky thing is realising I’m in survival mode again and then why. Step one done. I realised it, which in itself is a huge progress So, what is triggering this old song now?
Well, after deeply connecting with myself I found out that it’s this website I launched, because I want to share my art and its message of love and healing with as many people as possible; meaning: maintaining this website has turned from something I want do into a task that I have to do...now...fast and perfectly.
The pressure I feel is completely unnecessary because I do not have to make a living out of my art. I’m under no obligation to “Do it now...fast and perfectly” as I wasn’t assigned to have this website. It was my own choice. I paint because I love doing it and I paint what I feel. The whole point is to create art for art’s sake and send it into the world to make it a brighter place.
So, why the pressure? Why the survival mode?
Well, I’d like for as many people to see my pictures and their messages which is why I have accounts on Instagram, Facebook and – as of recently – Pinterest to help me with that and to promote this website. While I’m taking my time and don’t post everyday, it’s the statistics and all the “do this to boost…”-messages I get that must have triggered that old song.
Which means that of recently instead of being grateful for each follower, like or visitor on my website I was first disappointed and a bit desperate each time I checked and the numbers hadn’t gone up or worse gone down. I’m still grateful for each follower, like or visitor on my website, though, but only after the disappointment. Weird, huh?
So, now that I know what’s wrong I can stop it!
Only a week ago I painted this picture titled “letting go” with a hand letting go of a red balloon, because I’ve had to let go of a lot of things in the past three weeks and it’s this picture I have in mind now as well.
For now is the time to let go once more and with this smoothen the grooves of the old song a bit at least with regard to my art, its creating process and this website by
- consciously getting back to painting the way I used to paint, meaning intuitively
- returning to not giving a damn about flaws. My pictures are perfectly imperfect!
- embracing experimenting again, without feeling the need for a result I can post
- refocusing on being grateful for each follower, like or visitor on my website like before
- going back to believing and trusting that people will see my pictures when the time is
right for them to be seen.
- checking the numbers less often and when I check being aware of my reaction.
Which means I wouldn't suppress disappointment and despair if that were the case,
because it would be unhealthy to do so. No, I would feel it, let it go and then focus on
gratitude. But something tells me I won't feel disappointment and despair again.
Writing all of this down and off my chest for you to read was one of the means to let go of this today. The other one was a combination of meditation and energy healing.
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